why I oughta...
I took a commercial break on this thing over the holidays as I needed to be fully immersed in the odd. Not that my family is stranger than anyone else's but due to the current circumstances in which I find myself. To quickly recap for those who might be jumping in today for the first time: married 31 years father of three awesome individuals about to be divorced and already living in another city. I tell you this because this Christmas I drove the five and a half hours back to stay in the house I just left. I now consider the stage set.
First off, it wasn't that bad. All traces of me have been altered or eradicated but that was expected. Again, my soon to be ex and I don't dislike each other, we just haven't been in love for the last few years. (that is so gross to write on a lot of different levels not the least of which is writing that word. oh well...) And not in love is another weird turn of phrase because its hard to NOT love someone who has been your close friend for more than thirty years. A better way to say it is we just grew tired of each others company. Once that happens, the little annoyances that most people just let go, tend to stick. And a constant state of annoyance is no way for anyone to live.
And for the record, staying and suffering in silence would have been the far easier thing to do. Divorce, even a relatively amicable one like ours, is a motherfucker. Taking a loss sucks any way you slice it but sometimes you have to lose to win.
So I went back and stayed in the house because that gave me maximum exposure to my kids. The Boy lives there when not in school, Eldest lives three minutes away, and Middle is less than a half hour. So for the purpose of this weird holiday the location was perfect. It's not going to happen ever again but this time it worked. The only real problem is that I never completely relaxed. (Save the couple of times I went out with friends which was extremely relaxing) I'll write some more about that later in the week.
I set this whole thing up to address an anomaly I discovered whilst going through this whole thing. People want you to be devastated or at the very least upset and I am not. I am chasing to only remember the good from our relationship and that has helped me immensely. It comes from the saying "don't cry because its over, smile because it happened." So much awesomeness over more than three decades that the shitty last couple of months doesn't really matter.
It is in that spirit that I'll let you in on a little secret. Every time someone corners me and lowers their voice in that funeral just between us whisper to ask "how are you, really?" I am mentally poking them in both eyes simultaneously a la the Three Stooges. Not because I don't value their concern but more in an effort to grant them the perspective that only the temporary loss of sight in both eyes might bring.