Thou Shalt Not drink and type
In a bar, two drinks in, starting a post. This will most likely be shit. you've been warned.
As my grandfather used to say “I’ve got a snoot full.” When I was really young he would say it about other people. I thought he was complaining about snot not that he was hammered… Holy shit I just remembered that whenever he couldn’t remember someone’s name he called them Ephraim which is very confusing to a young child because you don’t yet understand sarcasm and you just think that a full third of the people in Estherville Iowa are named Ephriam. It wasn’t until I was a little older and he used it on someone I knew that it dawned on me… I need to adopt that habit. He was so cool without even trying.
Speaking of cool I was talking to a dude at the bar with the best dive bar name, Gus. If I ever have to go on the lamb like a 1930’s gangster my new name will definitely be Gus and if anyone asks it’s short for Augustus. My brain is tempted to go with the obvious last name Gloop but there are still too many people even in the kinds of bars I love who would immediately know I was full of shit. No. I need something that isn’t going to seem to fake because it’s too simple. Something like, ugh. It just occurred to me how unintelligent it is to write out my disappearance ideation in published form. Ignore all this. I would never fake my own death and disappear because I can basically go dark at will save my pesky job.
Speaking of pesky employment we had an all company thing this week where I might have overshared about my dating life. Ironic from an asshole who writes about his life on the interwebs. Nothing I can do about it now nor do I really care because my life is exactly what it is. No need to hide anything much like Popeye I yam what I yam and dats what I yam. Hey, just like Gus. and typing of Gus I got to help him out with a hipster.
A problem with the kind of dive bar that is perfect for day drinking (side note I had a half day today and after I got all my choring done it was raining so I did my goto drizzly day activity) is it attracts all kinds. I go there for the regulars. Those are the people I like to meet and interact with. This might come from my history of working in them or my love of stories. All stories. So Gus and I were having a nice series of burst chats in-between long periods of contemplative silence. For all I know Gus could have been having a series of strokes but after a bit he would be right back in the game.
We were just getting into how the Ford family screwed up the factory in town that he retired from when next to my new friend sat a young person who was trying awfully hard to exist. He was dressed like he was headed to a costume party dressed as a guy who thinks he fits in. That thought didn’t even make sense so i’m not even going to try and fix it. Think hipster douche. Anyhow, Gus mentions that he finally had to retire in 2008 because his back was screwed up from all those years of doing basically the same thing every day and our new bar mate suggested he try a cold plunge.
Now I didn’t have the equipment to carbon date Gus and it would have been rude to cut him in half and count the rings but my best guess puts him in his eighth decade on the planet. These have also been a hard eight as he has definitely seen and done some shit. If I wasn’t mistaken the forearm tattoo was a Vietnam war souvenir followed by 30+ years on an assemble line and at no time did he follow any sissy health guidelines of any kind. So when he asked the hipster “What the Hell is a Cold Plunge?” I couldn’t help but smile.
Then followed 5 excruciating minutes of explanation including all of the health benefits and I’m pretty sure Gus went somewhere else halfway through because once the kid finished there was just silence. Undaunted he asked what Gus thought and that brought him back to answer “That sounds fucking stupid. I only get in cold water when I have no other choice. Who the fuck thought that bullshit up and why in the hell would anyone listen to that bullshit?” Gus is one eloquent motherfucker.
The kid tried to regain the upper hand because I was laughing and the other regulars were nodding but he had no idea how to read his audience. Everyone just swiveled their stools away from him but he kept talking. Because I was fascinated and still looking his way he asked my opinion. I told him I don’t really care either way. If he thinks it helps then it does but the whole concept feels a little leechie to me. He asked what I meant by that so I told him that a little over a hundred years ago doctors were putting leeches on patients to suck the disease out of them. And 60 years ago doctors were telling people to smoke. All of that nonsense was a great idea with a bunch of benefits touted by experts at that time but turned out to be complete bullshit. So this cold plunge thing seems leechie to me.
He must have been waiting for the rest of his accapella group to show up for happy hour because he just kept talking all the way up to the point when Gus asked him to sit elsewhere. Fucking Gus. Solid dude. His buddy seconded the motion and the kid finally got the hint. I bought the two their next round and when I asked the other guy his name after he thanked me he gave me a look that said NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS. I respect that. I’m leaving just after Gus because I’ve been thumb typing this during his fugue states (goddam autocorrect almost had me type fudge state which takes all kinds of turns) and he is grumbling about how the crowd is turning. I am going to attempt to scooter home because there are a bunch outside on the street and it’s not raining anymore. I’ll update from the ER if necessary.