that's why

I am abysmally hung over this morning and it’s all my fault. I know how old I am, I know what this feels like, and I plowed ahead last night like an escaped mental patient with nothing to lose. I’ll get to that story in a minute but to further explain the level of destruction I achieved this morning I had to take a quick nap after the weekly scheduled call with my parents. I was having trouble focusing during a series of conversations that require almost no mental effort. Luckily as they are both about to turn 80 and have recently discovered how to binge watch old shows we were playing on the same field after they stayed up until 1:00am last night.

Once I awoke from passing out I decided that a walk might do me some good. For fucks sake I am not thinking right today because it began to rain while I was walking which caused me to have to go on the hop for the shelter of a tree. That in turn triggered my roiling guts and while traversing one of my normal alleyways I had to stop and double hand lean on the chain link fence to do some necessary deep breathing.

I am a hot mess… Luckily breath was all that was produced by my stop so I powered on in search of a life-giving Diet Coke. Just up that alley and to the left is a magic fountain drink dispenser complete with nugget ice. I drank it completely down while standing at the fill station and reloaded before paying like an animal. So about the date that is the trigger for this days troubles…

She was a lovely woman who seemed like she fit all of my nothing more than casual requirements. Decent sense of humor and there was a spark of attraction but the more we drank the saltier she got. I have an unnaturally high saline tolerance as that kind of banter is one of my love languages but she took things up a notch. As the evening progressed and what to me felt like out of nowhere came “Why couldn’t you be in a long term relationship with me?!” every fiber of my being wanted to run but I toughed it out because before that we were getting along.

I explained that this was a me thing but she wasn’t buying and proceeded to run down a list of her flaws compared to my own. I think this was an effort to sell me on the idea but it had the opposite effect. She went to the bathroom and I thought I saw my chance but I couldn’t get the server’s attention to close out the bill. When I did she informed me it was already taken care of as she set down 4 shots on our table. SHIT. Now I felt some kind of commitment. When my date got back I tried to protest and pay at least half all the while graciously thanking her but she just lifted the shot and looked me dead in the eyes. (really intimidating by the way)

Things went downhill from there. At one point I countered her poor choice of shots with tequila and it was at least another hour before the sloppy make-out attempt in the parking lot as I gallantly walked her toward her DUI (not sure if she got one but I tried a bunch to get this idiot to order an Uber) Also, it turns out that NOT kissing someone is super insulting. I have been rejected on lean-in before which is embarrassing but she went ballistic. The final thing she screamed at me was my beard is ridiculous. ouch.

I am growing out my facial hair but it’s nowhere near the ridiculous stage. Shit, I haven’t even begun to curl the mustache yet… Needless to say I blocker her everywhere and even jumped off of that app for good measure. Holy hell this typing has me tired again. I don’t feel so well…