I had dinner with a friend last night. An old work friend that I love and we get along really well. We try to go out at least once a month just to catch up and check in. I need to be careful here due to the aforementioned friend love and just in case there is any chance of future reading or it getting back to her. Those probably should have been internal only thoughts BEFORE I started typing. Well shit, I’m just procrastinating now. The fact of the matter (note to self; look that up because I don’t completely understand the meaning) is that attraction isn’t there.
She is a lovely woman and I am constantly advising her to jump back in to the dating pool but my brain has her categorized a sister and the decision feels irreversible. I tell you all this to set the stage for events of last night and to explain why I’m still thinking about it this afternoon. At some point during our meal at a lovely dive bar/supper club she mentioned that being alone is starting to get to her. More backstory: she has never been married and her best friend just moved away so this is a tougher than normal time.
Anyway, we rolled past that subject but she kept circling back until she landed where it felt like she was going. “It’s hard to find people like when I was in my twenties. You know, a group of friends who would make a pact that if hey hadn’t found someone by a certain point in their lives they would just hook up and grow old together.” I had no idea how to respend so I went with a neutral yup.
Now if I were ever to enter into one of those non binding agreements this friend would certainly make the list. A completely platonic relationship to ride out the remainder with but… if I’m not going to be in a sexual or romantic affiliation why wouldn’t I just find a guy? I’ve often said how much easier my life would be were I gay. Dudes are simple creatures and being one myself I have an above average understanding of said same. I am also a desired type in that community and would be proud to call myself a Bear.
As my fiend Doug once quipped “if it weren’t for he awful sex I’d switch tomorrow.” But sadly that’s not how biology works at least for me. I’m attracted to what I’m attracted to and no amount of wishing will change that fact. Which brings us back to the original point of this tale. I find myself in a mental pretzel. I don’t think I can just ignore this topic. I need to address it but this needs the daintiest of touches.
I wrote a couple of texts but deleted them before sending because they sounded vaguely like breakups and I don’t want to stop being her friend. When we do finally talk this through she will brush it off like nothing but I’m worried about the things she won’t say. This one is a pickle and going to take a while to puzzle out.