This has been a crazy time in all aspects of my life. Since moving here work has been a steady constant and now it feels like everything there is shifting under my feet. I’m not going to write about that but I needed to tell you to set the stage for what ALL is happening with me.
I have been on a journey of self improvement over the last couple years but I haven’t achieved the results that I wanted. Part of the problem is that I don’t really have anyone holding me accountable and the other part, related - now that I write it, is I have been stepping back from human interaction in my free time over the last half a year or so. This is really tough to put on virtual paper but it’s part of my current process. (I couldn’t hate a process more right now)
I am talking with a therapist on a regular basis and it helps, when you are completely honest. But if you’re me and you find certain subjects uncomfortable you tell the person what you think they want to hear. which is another way of saying bullshit. I have been less than honest with the person trying to help and I decided to change that behavior last week. No idea what overtook my brain but I heard myself answer a question less than truthfully, stopped, and called shenanigans. (I think she asked how my weekends have been and I initially answered “fine”) This is not the first time this professional has been lied to so my revelation wasn’t as earth shattering to her as it felt to me.
We talked a little about why I initially answered that way and where else this show up in my life and holy shit by the end I was sweating. She knows about this thing, well, not this thing exactly but the fact that I write on the line, and she asked if I am fully transparent here. “kind of” didn’t really fly with her so we talked it through. In this writing as with most of my relationships the lie is the unspoken. Or in this case, the unwritten. I know that’s confusing so I will try to clear it up. When asked things I perceive as too personal I deflect. I can dodge talking about the tough things going on with me like Neo from the Matrix. Subject changer, conversation controller, question asker. A big cloud of PAY NO ATTENTION TO THAT MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN.
For the 12 of you currently subscribed this probably isn’t news but I literally thought I was doing a good job of obfuscation. It turns out not so much, especially with the person tasked to guide me to a better place. So for the first time since the process began shit got real. I talked about withdrawing on weekends even turning down social things in favor of time with me. Enjoying your own company is a healthy thing but to the exclusion of all other it isn’t.
Next up we went after the whole dating thing. If you are any of my children reading this now would be a good time to put on your eyemuffs or just click away, nothing to read here… She got me to admit out loud to another human how long it has been since I last had sex. Typing that just made my palms a little clammy and there is a better than even chance that this entire thing gets deleted. (if you are reading this then I hit publish before I could chicken out) Saying the number of years (no way in hell I’m typing it just insert whatever number you think absurd and don’t be afraid to count into my marriage) made it very real.
I’ve had some opportunities since the divorce but have always found reasons to walk away from the deal. I’m not going any deeper into what we talked about on this subject but I will tell you that it is probably time for me to get back in the game. Physical contact turns out to be a basic human need. Who knew? This is good news for you as a reader because app dating is an entertaining shitshow. Might be fun to follow along as yours truly attempts to get back out there.
Thankfully I have a travel-a-thon for the next 3 weeks and then Thanksgiving after that so December might signal the start. Plus this gives me time to psych myself up.
WOW I do not want to post this but I was challenged. Plus, I would be endlessly fascinated if someone I knew and or cared about shared at a deeper level even if it made them uncomfortable. I should probably just buck up and hit publish