not short enough

Short flight to St. Louis this morning but it was not without incident. I need to give some background first. For those who don’t know I have a selective germ thing. It’s not crippling and doesn’t impede me much but the things that bother me hit hard. The list isn’t crazy long and it’s mostly travel related because outside of their own homes people turn into animals.

First up is the furniture in hotels. I don’t care what you say, the couches and chairs in hotel rooms are foul. They can’t and don’t clean them between guests and my broken brain immediately goes to the worst case scenario. A friend of mine who is also a road warrior calls the furnishings “cuck chairs.” Once he said it I can’t remove the image of a bottomless cuckold watching his significant other get plowed while he clutches his undeserving manhood. You’re welcome for that visual image by the way… With that in mind I don’t even set my bag on it if there is any other option. You live your life however you want but that furniture is NOT for me.

There is more to the list but for the sake of brevity I’ll jump straight to the worst. Airport floors and in particular airport carpet is forever unclean. The mens bathrooms in most airports are a splashpad. I think I’ve written about this before but between floor cleanings there is urinary blowback that leads to piss puddles on the tile. As each observant gentleman approaches the relief station they automatically stand beyond the arc of piss thus extending the arc further with their own now exaggerated splash zone. Before you know it the floor of the entire thing is varying degrees of damp to swamp.

Some folks might be ale to convince themselves that the splashing they trod across was morning dew or the remnants of some chemical cleaning agent but I will not lie to myself in this regard. In fact I have rushed into a recently cleaned bathroom only to find no detectable smell of cleaning products of any kind. No bleach, no Fabuloso, nothing. I feel like the mops they use are just piss pushers but I’m not here to disparage a not-so-hard working group of people. The bathrooms are awful.

By extension the wheels on all luggage and people’s shoes are biohazards and need to be treated as such. It is with this in mind that I tell you this morning’s tale. I was minding my own business on the small regional jet where I was lucky enough to sit in the single seat on the left side. To my right was a very fancy gentleman completely suited up, wool overcoat, expensive looking everything including his shoes. Just as we took off he must have noticed something on his footwear so he reached down and pulled the right one off with both hands.

He then set the shoe on his lap, and scratched away at something on the side of the sole with his bare hand. I involuntarily burped as my body attempted to correct the rising pressure in my gut. But once he brought that same finger to his mouth for a little spit assist I dry heaved. The rest of the incident is a blur. I was looking away attempting to take my mind off of the war crime going on across the aisle. I was soaked in cold sweat, mind racing, trying to calm down but every time I looked over to see if it was done…. Just typing this now is making me uncomfortable.

I spent the rest of the flight with my face pressed into my hands and the air jets blowing down my neck as I leaned forward. To everyone else I probably looked like a terrible flyer but I knew I was seated next to a MONSTER.

I need to stop that memory now. For those who might think I’m exaggerating and who know me in real life, ask me to see my bag for my bag. I have a rain poncho for my backpack that goes around it before it gets stowed under the seat in front of me. (what else spends time under the seat in front of you?) It covers the whole thing and gets stored in its own pouch inside out. They usually last about a year before I feel like I can’t wash them anymore… I need to stop now but I typed this with the hope that I could get some sleep tonight. Yup, got me some issues.