You have to be of a certain age to truly understand the title of this post. It comes from the time of few entertainment choices for kids and Bugs Bunny was the variety show host of cartoons. Google "Beaky Buzzard" if you are lost. Classic animation is not today’s topic however. I am here to walk through my first and possibly last interaction with a dating app. Allow me to set the stage.
I have developed a nice little rhythm to my life here and thought it might be nice to have someone to share it with every once in a while. Someone with their own life looking for the same. A person who enjoys my company and I the same. There are some other requirements like a low cling factor, no drama, low maintenance, non smoker. I didn't think I was being unreasonable until I signed up.
I'm not going to name the app because its not really their fault that things didn't work out. I have almost no pictures of myself which made the profile thing tough and I was annoyed by some of the questions they asked. Once I got up and running things got weird. I myself was quick to kill potential dates from my list. Political stance, a profile looking for a fight, too much of any one thing... Example, if you are in to running and your entire existence on the app is race pictures, split times, and not a beer or unforced smile in sight, then I don't need to be a relationship expert to realize its not going to work between us.
So I'm probably being too picky looking for potential problems when I want none at all but the interactions I started having were brutal. There are a metric crapton of young women in the world with daddy issues. 30 and unders looking for someone to "take care of them." One especially creepy message from a 23 year old divorcee with 3 kids read "you look like you are set, and if you spoil me and my kids I will definitely spoil you." nope
There were some others who seemed nice and normal (realize that I spent all of two days experimenting with this nonsense) but then once we started messaging things quickly went south. The worst example was a woman who looked like the perfect package. Her press kit seemed like it was written for me. But then on our second message exchange she typed "I really want someone I can grow old with and if your not on that same page then this isnt going to work out."
The cynic in me wanted to ask if she had just been diagnosed with something terminal and was looking for a free caregiver but I didn't. I politely took a pass. I am WAY out of practice with this shit but what the hell? I don’t know much about the current state of dating but I do know creepy.
And before you suggest that I try another app I think this is going to take some time. I have no desire to go the hookup route. To paraphrase the great Todd Packer from The Office; no one wants "a couple love bumps on their ding dong." I really am just looking for someone I enjoy their company. And with that I formally take a pass.
I now know why people seek out and hook up with past loves. There is something about familiarity that cuts through drudgery of this process.