I’ve got a bit of a germ thing. It’s not debilitating just an extension of my overactive brain. Hotel rooms are tough because I feel like people hold the cleaning crews to an unreasonable standard. I’m not going too deep here but no one is cleaning that furniture every week even in your fancy room. And that TV remote control has seen some things. Awful things. Nightmare fuel. So me rolling up with my baggie and sliding that bad boy in it for the duration of my stay is just a thought calming precaution.
If you know me in real life and would like some examples I could go on at length. Folks generally misbehave in places they perceive temporary ownership and human beings are gross. The pinnacle of my problem is experienced in public restrooms and that is where today’s story originates. Last Sunday as I was driving back from the wedding I stopped at one of my normal points on the route. My timing is such that when I do finally pull off the highway I REALLY have to go.
Most times as I’m rounding the corner to the bank of urinals it’s getting near time to engage the manual shutoff valve. For those without the same equipment it is basically a skill learned in childhood involving your hand as a final flow prevention device. Its risky and messy and luckily its been years since I had to use it until last week…
When I got to the toilets there was standing water covering the entire floor surface. Probably a clogged drain in the middle but I couldn’t tell as the liquid was disturbingly cloudy. This disease soup was under all of the stalls and urinals which were 70% in active use at the time. I was in a pickle.
I looked down and realized I was wearing shoes that I didn’t want to throw away. I was nearing the burning tip stage of urinary need making the aforementioned manual shutoff tougher as well as having few other options. So I did what any escaped mental patient with no conscience might try and I relieved myself in the sink.
Luckily I am tall enough where the porcelain is just under my junk. Water on full blast as a splash deterrent, soap being dispensed at an almost constant rate while I tried to complete this crime without detection. Furiously washing my hands whilst going hands free with the pee, head on a swivel, and trying to come up with a valid excuse if caught. I was just about finished when a flush occurred and one of the stall doors opened.
I tried pushing harder to increase the flow when I heard a splash that was not a foot step followed by a “FUCK” then a “WHY?”. I completed my act of vandalism even managing a quick extra wash on the undercarriage in time to take a step back from the crime scene to see a truck driver picking his phone up out of the soup. I couldn’t help myself as I blurted out “You just have to walk away. That thing is a total loss. It is forever unclean.”
I left not wanting to see his decision and got the hell out of there after proving how poorly people act in places that aren’t their own homes. I couldn’t make eye contact with anyone on my way out the doors in case there was missed evidence of my recent villainy. I’ve been thinking about that poor guy all week. So much so in fact that I am curious as to what de did with his pants whilst dumping in a swamp. Curious isn’t strong enough, I am obsessed. I keep trying to remember the state of his trousers but my brain was focused on his phone. Just a big pile of awful.
*for those who might be concerned: Before entering my car I completely Clorox wiped my shoes as they were obviously contaminated. I have those in my car to wipe down my luggage wheels after a trip. Airport floors…