I think I might be in trouble once our eventual Artificial Intelligence Overlords take control because some of the shit I’ve said around Siri is actionable. One of the sadder parts of my life is my ongoing love hate relationship with the Apple assigned personal assistant.
So bad did my verbal abuse get that I had to change the voice from the standard female response to a British dude. Now I treat him like the bumbling servant I inherited with my palatial estate. An accomplished fuckup that I can’t fire for a number of reasons so I take out all of life’s frustrations on him. Especially when he screws up. Apple if you’re listening please let me rename him. I need a classic fictional assistant or sidekick name like Alfred, Lurch, Watson, Jarvis, Benson, Mr. French, you get the drift…
If those are somehow locked up I would settle for Numb Nuts which is what I call him most of the time anyway. Now that I typed it I wonder why that is derogatory… Kind of a stretch to equate lack of testicular blood flow with intelligence. Turns out I might be the numb nuts. Oh well, one more accolade to add to my resume.
The programmers at Apple know what spoiled babies we are so they put in some pacifying prompts when the thing is not connecting to its brain. “I’m on it” The HELL you are! If you were on it I’d have my answer… “I seem to be having trouble connecting to the internet.” That is some complete bullshit as well because you are tracking everything I’m saying all the time so sort it out and give me my answers.
I sometimes yell out to my assistant whilst typing. The music in my house is playing a lot so I feel like I need to be louder and today we are having some troubles. I might be playing the tunes a bit louder than normal as I try to fend off my companies decent into madness but seemingly at the cost of my own sanity.
This all started as I wondered why my bluetooth headphones of varying makes and models all have trouble on certain parts of my daily walks. Workmen have been redoing the fiber optic cables across the street and the corner is one of my trouble spots. So I’m yelling reframed questions at Siri over Cheap Trick Live at Budokan (side 2 songs for those keeping score at home) and getting BS delays as response. Why does this matter so much to me? “Sorry I can’t help with that.”