If your going to fail

fail BIG. or maybe this is starting slow...

I got a little cocky when I decided to move from the old platform to this new one. I naively assumed that my two more than twenty readers would blindly follow me wherever I might write… it turns out I might have been mistaken. So far a very loyal 5 of you are here with me and I wanted to say thanks with this little bonus (meaning I’m writing before the scheduled Sunday) post. I appreciate you all and if circulation never increases I will be happy writing for people I consider my friends. Okay, enough boring bullshit about this stupid email and on with the bonus story of the week.

Monday found me excited to have a weekday off with no responsibilities so I decided to use that time to further explore the city. I quickly found out that someone forgot to tell the street dwelling population about the holiday. This meant that they all showed up for a full shift and there were no customers save the big bald man walking around staring at everything as if he were lost. So engrossed was I at the new-to-me parts of this area that I failed to notice becoming the focus of every street person within eyesight.

In fact it wasn’t until I rejected the third one asking for money that I figured out something was amiss. At first I blamed the new route. My internal dialogue went something like “wow, this part of Saint Paul is real beggary.” And then the guy who turned on the light bulb sauntered up.

Sauntered was the wrong description as it was more like a bowlegged shuffle. At first I thought he was carrying something heavy but quickly realized he was gingerly handling precious cargo. His hands were cupped together as if carrying water but pinched between his pinkies and forever etched into my ocular nerve was the top of his penis. Not immediately recognizable because he (or someone else for all I know) had drawn all over it with what I’m guessing and kind of hoping was a marker.

Looking away I mumbled something like no thank you which upon further review was an inadequate response. Obviously having encountered similar responses he was ready and shouted JUST PUT A DOLLAR ON IT! The wave of admiration that washed over me was confusing to say the least. He was a master of his craft. I’ve seen more than my share of panhandling and this was a true unique first.

I lengthened my strides to get away and luckily its tough to speed up if you’re truly committed to cupping your bedazzled dickhead. I rounded a random corner to diminishing cries of JUST PUT A DOLLAR ON IT! JUST PUT A DOLLAR ON IT! just put a dollar on it.

I would love to tell you I cut my walk short but I didn’t. I just kept my eyes up and head on a swivel for the rest of the trip. There is a broken part of me that wants to see if I can find him again but some urges need to be suppressed. I’m trying a different route this weekend but I’ll be walking well before any of the true greats wake up. Football is back and I have a weekend of watching to get done.

Thanks again for subscribing

SEE, I am a patron of the arts. This is the gallery on the first floor of my building. I do so love this place.