I put a stick in my dickhole

don't do drugs kids

For those who know me I am a fan of stories which makes me overly curious about almost everything. I am also a student of the homeless population just in case. Most people on the streets put little effort into their begging efforts and I ignore them for the most part only rewarding those who show creativity and or initiative. My friend Doug is convinced that this is how I will meet my end but I am careful and only carry things I am willing to lose on my adventures.

Last night I needed a late evening walk to unwind and as I was trucking along a sign caught the corner of my eye. NEED MONEY FOR CREAM hmmm. No coffee in sight, in fact no belongings save the sign. Here I go again… What kind of cream are you looking for friend? There is a Cub Foods across the street and I would be happy to pick some up for you. He looked me dead in my left shoulder because that is where his brain told him the talking was coming from and answered “dick cream.”

Excuse me? “I GOT A ITCHY DICK AND I NEED ME SOME DICK CREAM!” He kind of shouted that part and I don’t really blame him because I was clearly in the wrong with my earlier assumption. For the first time in a while I was at a loss for words. So many questions and so afraid of answers that I just stared at him. Only then did I notice the blinking and twitching and wheezing. I was staring at patient zero of a cootie filled apocalyps and became briefly paralyzed in fear.

He mistook my silence and lack of movement for misunderstanding which led to a statement that caused me physical pain. “IT ITCH SO BAD I PUT A STICK IN MY DICK HOLE BUT THAT DIDN’T HELP!” Yup, I am dumb. I should not have stopped. Holy Hell he was high but in obvious discomfort. I was not about to stick around lest I end up with a tingling urethra of my own so I took all of the cash from my pocket, balled it up so it could travel further in the air, and flung it in his direction while wishing him well.

Typing this out made me relive that feeling. I had trouble sleeping last night and I think retelling this story might have been a tactical error. As for the mental images provided… you’re welcome.