As cynical as I can be at times I’m a fan of this fake holiday. It’s kind of a day about hope. I had a friend in town last week and she gave me a countdown to begin dating again that starts tomorrow because I’ll officially be outside of the “holiday window.” Once she explained that phrase and it’s link to awkward obligated presents I laughed and kind of agreed. My love of this day comes from hanging out with someone I care about not last minute grab a card from Walgreens to check a box.
I also really like writing my feelings about someone to them. I’m braver behind a pen or a keyboard but it’s not just that. I used to love this time to sit down and think through all of the reasons I appreciate someone in my life. For the last three years of my dissolving marriage I began to write them down for myself. (Don’t read into this, it began as an exercise for couples therapy that obviously didn’t work) I use these things I loved whenever I feel myself starting to wallow over a long time relationship lost. It would be easier to focus on those final awful years but that is also unfair.
So I started this morning going over the list and it put me in a great mood. My body hates me right now after this weekends excess but my brain is a fan. I had a mentor tell me that only a weak mind would let a couple bad years spoil more than three decades. Yup, that hit home.
I hope I have a valentine out there somewhere. When I find her I can explain all the things. So much going on in my brain right now. It turns out I’m a bit of a hopeless hopeful romantic. I just need to find someone who wants to be around me…
I need to go nap now because I have to be a fully functioning version of myself tomorrow at work. These weekends with my friends will all show up in the highlight reel of my life. You know that thing where people say their life flashed before their eyes. Part of me kind of hopes that death holds permanent access to all good memories. Okay, I need to cut this out and get some sleep because I’m beginning to annoy myself.