famous in waiting
With all of the flying I am doing and the sheer tonnage (for fuck sake I have no idea what sheer tonnage means probably something I read once about sheep. Ignore that and know I mean a alot) of selfish idiots I am exposed to on every flight it is only a matter of time before I end up on some kind of social media verbally lighting an idiot on fire. The awful composition of that opening sentence should be a clue that even the memory of the upcoming story has me on edge. But before I get where I got last Monday I need to give you some background.
I am normally in a pretty good mood when I board an aircraft. I preflight in the Delta lounge which means eating, drinking, wifi, and a comfortable place to wait for boarding puts me in a great place. Most of the annoyances I will talk about can be ignored when they show up individually and or sporadically but as they stack up usually with the same perpetrator shit can get bumpy.
First up is the people who sneak on during the assistance round of pre-boarding with no visible handicap of any kind… including the shuffling gate or the old or injured. These selfish pricks just want to get on the plane before anyone else and because “a little more time” or “assistance” is hard to prove let alone define they take advantage.
Next would be the people who get on and take up the entire overhead bin with their carryon bag, under seat bag, jacket, hat, and whatever else they can think of so they can close the bin and have it to themselves. Usually this flavor of shitstain will defend their position with a claim of medical need to stretch their feet under the seat or some other nonsense.
Finally, the people who never learned how to take turns as a child that jump up as soon as the plane comes to a halt at the gate to grab their stuff to get off before anyone else - no matter how far back they might be. *The exception to this is the poor people who are sweating a connection but they should have asked the flight attendants for some over the loudspeaker assistance as most people are good at heart and would let them pass without issue.
So I’m finally flying out Monday evening and I make it to the gate just in time to watch the in need shuffle down the tunnel. One dude around my age has no visible business boarding early but hey, maybe he’s pissing rocks or has some kind of mental thing going on, not for me to say but definitely a suspect.
Eventually my turn comes around and I make my way to my seat and here sits Mr. Invisible Handicap alone in our row with the bin closed above. I need to get in to my chosen window seat but first I want to stow my bag. I open the bin and he tells me it’s full to which I reply “we’ll see.” Sure enough all of his shit is up there improperly arranged to take up maximum space. I slide his jacket, hat, and backpack together making more than enough room for my single bag. I looked him in the eyes after not closing the bin and asked him to let me in the row.
We were lucky enough to have the middle seat open in-between us and the flight went pretty much as planned. The only inflight flare up was his attempt at a cookie monopoly when the flight attendant handed him the basket o’snacks first and he took the 3 remaining packs. She apologized and said she would get more but I was declining snacks so not an issue. Just another in a series of Dick moves from this gem.
Once we landed he jumped up and began getting set for his run ignoring the twelve rows in front of us and I had enough. “Where the fuck are you going?” He just stared at me with no response so I pressed on. “Its 11:30pm so you don’t have a connecting flight, were all tired and want to get where were going, so calm the fuck down and wait like a normal person.” still no response but now he wasn’t looking at me.
In for a penny… “and if you cut in front of anyone I’m following you so we can talk about taking turns.” It was about that time I noticed the girl in the seat behind us with her phone up filming. Luckily he didn’t want to argue and he became compliant as my cranky was leaking out all over the place. I most likely wouldn’t have followed him but sometimes acting like a true menace can be fun.
I really have to remind myself that anything I say could be filmed at any time. Who am I kidding? Something I say or do on one of these busses in the sky will land me on the internets. It’s just a matter of time.
I’ll leave you with a one second video I took accidentally.