I went to the Minnesota State Fair yesterday with some of my best friends from my old company and really some of the best people I know but that is beside the point. It was my Minnesota going away and we even had one friend fly in. We picked one of the hottest days of the year and it almost got me. I think we left my place around 10:30am and returned around 5:30pm. The whole day was great but mistakes were made.
Marching around in oppressive heat while eating fried foods and chasing that down with beer will get to you. I made an attempt at playing defense by drinking a couple Diet Cokes. I even drank a bottle of water but that was mostly for the cup full of ice I ordered with it that I could use to cool down my head and neck even pouring the ice melt down my own back. I did not feel right at multiple points during the day. Let’s not pass out at this shitshow level not right.
We tried a bunch of different foods and drinks and I even had to shift away from my beloved Coors Lite at points due to supply problems. (Side Note: heavier flavored beers can fuck right off.) We would find shade, or a fan, or seats in the shade, and stop for a bit but there were things to see and people to judge from an uncomfortable distance. I did a shit job of photojournalism as I was attempting to not pass out but my only real disappointment was not getting the dud who died his hair and full beard pink. He was a magical unicorn.
The final nail in the group coffin was a little concoction called Fried Ranch which was basically a deep fried triangle of ranch and cream cheese and breading dusted in way too much ranch seasoning and a shot glass of hot honey to dip it in. Just typing that has my mouth watering in a very bad way. It hit one of our party the hardest and we needed a couple breaks as we tried to get to the ride share lot so she wouldn’t throw up.
That couldn’t happen because I was walking a bit of a tightrope myself and it would have caused a sympathetic release. For those not in the know I am a yell vomiter which means I would have terrorized a large number of attendees with my poor choices. Luckily we made it out unemptied and after waiting too long we made it back to my place for some life giving air conditioning.
Talked for an hour where one of my friends proceeded to keep drinking the only thing I had available in the house which was tequila and he even took a break in an impressive display to wander across the street for a Blizzard. Everyone went to their respective hotels and I was left to shower off the layers of sweat encrusted fair dust. I contemplated throwing my shirt out but then just jammed it in the hamper as a future Tom problem.
After the shower I sat on the couch slamming ice water when I realized that I had not gone to the bathroom ALL DAY. I was about to look up organs shutting down due to heat when I must have passed out because I woke up at 5:00am in a panic. My brain thought I had to still pack for a 7:00am flight as well as get ready for my week. I jumped up and began speed packing. All the while cursing myself for not being better prepared.
Once the bag was all set I finally realized that I built in a gap day between the Fair and travel making the early flight tomorrow. Good news, I’m already packed. Bad news, I could not go back to sleep due to the adrenaline coursing through my dumb ass. And lest I forget I did finally pee but even the next morning it was an alarming shade of orange.
In spite of these events I will try to get back every year. This should not be missed.