I need today in my rear view mirror for a lot of reasons and I feel like going to sleep but it’s only 6:00pm. Work was a test of my will. The hits just kept on coming and while I was in the midst of one particular mess I perused my inbox. I came across an email from our company football pool commissioner asking who wanted to join the playoff contest. This year my picks could have been made by … I can’t think of anything that fits here. I was going to say Helen Keller but that woman overcame things that would’ve broken me in half so I’m sure she would have figured out a way to dominate this silly pastime. Meanwhile, I barely beat the people who consistently failed to submit their picks.
Looking at the final standings I decided this was no longer for me. So I replied to the commissioner in shit sandwich style. Meaning I told him it was fun but not for me anymore and then I think I thanked him for all his hard work. (I might have used different worse words but you get the gist) But I didn’t just reply to him. Turns out he was inviting the entire company to join the fun. So everyone got to see my email and no one was fooled by my attempts to be pleasant. Oh well, sometimes you just gotta be you.
By the way I had no idea I did that all user bullshit until I emerged from my office an hour or so later. The next five people I saw had something smart to say. I realized I screwed up and resisted my natural gift to fire back. Sometimes you just need to take your medicine so I chose to lean into the suck. As soon as my last meeting ended I beat feet for the parking garage.
A bright spot of this flaming dumpster day is my new car has an app which allows me to warm it up before I take the 17 floor elevator ride. I was feeling pretty great getting in to a toasty car so I decided to stop at the store on the way home.
Whilst accomplishing my normal speed-shop someone bumped carts with me. I looked in annoyance only to have my guts twist. It was a woman I dated when I first moved here. First app date out of the gate to be precise. When the date ended some kissing ensued which turned out to be one of the worst in my entire history.
People who have been on the planet as long as I have should have mastered certain skills, kissing another human being one. I distinctly remember the experience from more than a year ago of leaning in for the kiss and receiving a peck on the nose followed by another on the corner of the mouth. I pulled back slightly to see if this was some kind of joke which she mistook as me bailing out. This triggered her open mouth being pressed over my closed one. Hard. Unrelenting. Like a succubus.
At some point I stopped trying to participate and both of my eyes were wide open watching the show. She moved her head in small figure-eights kind of Stevie Wonder style. It took an excruciating 30 seconds for the realization of solo participation to stop the show. I was in shock. I remember mumbling things about “too soon” and getting home like I was on fire.
Needless to say I deleted that app, ghosted like I was inventing the concept, and and have never been back to that particular restaurant nor to that part of the city. Now you understand the gut twist expressed earlier. She obviously remembered me and complimented my new fuller beard. I mumbled something about her looking good as well but when a suggestion of getting together again was broached… I made up a girlfriend. Yup, just when I thought this day was turning around, new low.
I spent a lot of time making up plausible backstories to explain her awful kissing behavior. The top two were: 1. 40 year coma. 2. Raised in some cloistered religious sect that forbade the normal hormonal urges of youth and then the opportunity to learn just never came up, until she matched with me on an app…? Lucky me. Anywa
The remainder of today’s conversation was weird and made even more so by an awkward tandem shop. I went self check as she waited for professional assistance. One of my items didn’t scan so I left it behind and got the hell out. I drove a circuitous route home just in case because apparently our earlier dating attempt was, for her, quite lovely.
I need this day to end.