In yesterday’s sad sack post I was whining about work and I mentioned that I needed to go for a walk to clear my brain. Well, I did just that and a new bar was set. As I walked along one of the many trails through the city park next to my place I was in a near constant battle with clouds of flies. I don’t know the species I was dealing with as I am not even an amateur entomologist but these things were next level annoying. I think it had to do with the wet weather plus as I chugged along I was pumping out the apparently irresistible olfactory carbon dioxide which put me in danger of inhaling unwanted protein.
As I rounded a corner into a semi-secluded stretch of the path there was a dude reclining on a bench surrounded by a visible cloud of the creatures. My first thought was he had died and I was about to discover a body. Just then a bug tried to hitch a ride into my lungs so I coughed and startled the dude in the cloud of insects. Startled as he was he maintained the same position on the bench and as I got closer I noticed the shopping bag in his lap.
I should have said inverted shopping bag because the lettering was backwards and it was one of those wisp thin store bags that are good for almost nothing including disguising his hand hiding holding something within. On approach it occurred to me that all motion from this dude had stopped which was made more disturbing by the bug cloud. Whilst I was passing his location holding my own breath as to not inhale any of his swarm I noticed that this dude was in active masterbation mode. I quickly looked around for his visual stimuli and finding none I quickened my pace. I think this his thing might have been the insects!
Holy Hell that has to be hard to replicate in your own home! I had so many questions but didn’t feel right about a bug-covered junk-in-hand interview. So today I went back around the same time hoping to find some photographic evidence of my encounter but there was none. Instead I came upon this fellow walking what I can only hope is his baby and rocking the hell out of a skirt.
When I say rocking this skirt he was swinging his hips like his balls were the clapper inside of a thigh bell. And lest you think me gender mistaken… this was all dude. Technically I suppose that cloth could be classified as kilt but the swish was nothing but bait. I was tempted to take video but he kept looking back at me and I was worried for the imaginary baby. Life is an ever unraveling mystery.
Side note: his shirt as I passed was covered in dick shaped rockets so he might work for SpaceX.