Big pile of no fun
I’ve been a bit cagey about the goings on with me lately and I can come a bit cleaner. I have officially resigned from my job of 12 years and it is the definition of bittersweet. Bitter because I love my team and my friends. One of them got me the greatest gift today because I am in a constant state of an overdrawn fucks account.
So she made sure I had a stockpile for my new adventure. Anna RULES!
I started this post with the title and it stems from a day of letting my team know what’s happening before the rest of the company finds out in the morning. (terrible sentence but I am too tired to edit right now so deal with it) I already mentioned that I love my squad so each one of these calls was tough in its own way. No one is dying but there is a part of me that hates leaving this group of humans. Everyone will ultimately be fine and this is a natural part of life but knowing that doesn’t make it any easier.
Bitter also because change can be a scary beast. I am usually a fan and I sometimes change things up just because it hasn’t happened in a while but this one hits different. I thought of this job as my legacy. I had this marked as the company I would retire from but life had other thoughts. I also mentioned my friends. I don’t toss the word love around lightly but the three that still work here (the fourth knows who she is) I consider family and thoughts of leaving them comes with physical pain. They will always be my friends and I would do anything to help each and every one forever but it is time for me to go.
The change thing can also be sweet. I am excited for a new challenge and adventure. I am also excited to get back closer to family and friends. Right now I am all kinds of overwhelmed but this is a storm of my own making. Suck it up buttercup is my motto for the next two months. The hardest part will be concentrating on the current job to make sure I don’t leave victims in my wake. I will be tempted to start working on the new gig but I have to fight that off and make sure I leave this department better than I found it.
I need this change for a lot of reasons. I need to be closer to family and friends. I need to get out and start really living life with other humans again. Truth be told, I’ve been in hiding and attempting to heal from my world crumbling faster than I could keep it together. I think I am almost too comfortable alone and I finally feel good enough to get back to *normal.
*a relative term rarely applied to me as a rule.
In related news; I am also convinced that I will at the very least end up dating someone long term. I miss the comfort of a confidant. Someone to debrief with every day that isn’t bored by the details because they care about you as a person. I am slowly getting to a place where I might be able to let someone in. Mostly as I find myself missing those daily interactions. No date I have had in this state has had a chance. For a long while I was still carrying a torch for the ideal of my former life that didn’t really exist. And once that went out I started looking for an unreachable perfection.
I believe I’m past most of that bullshit now. Holy shit this post is taking a turn and I think it best if I stop typing.
I have no idea what the future holds but the change itself is exciting. Plus I have quite a pile of fucks… so I’ve got that going for me.