Bad Gap Day

I try to build in a decompression day after a vacation...

I had a great thanksgiving week. Truly thankful for so much not the least of which is that I tried some different behaviors. First up, I unplugged from my work email. This is a big step for me as I am normally in constant contact with that electronic leash. The times I did plug in were limited and strategic. I spent two weeks setting up email rules that would guarantee my time was necessary. Basically I had it set so certain topics like payroll and expenses would not be missed. Just because I’m on vacation doesn’t mean that my people don’t need to get paid. I tell you all this not to bore you with my business bullshit but to explain the anxiety tsunami I felt last night when I turned all of that stuff off and was rewarded with a staggering number of unread work.

When I saw the unread email number come through on my phone I set it down and walked away as if I had just glanced directly at the sun. Once I calmed down I came up with today’s plan to chip away at the mountain until it is reasonable. Whenever I leave for an extended period of time I like to give myself a day at home, alone, as a reset button. House chores, an over due supply run, etc. (speaking of supplies I haven’t shopped in a while because I can’t decide what the hell to eat. This is for a future post but I am at a food crossroads. This fake keto paleo bullshit isn’t working for me and I need a new direction. shit. sorry about that detour.) A day to get things right before heading into what has to be a crazy week. I drove back yesterday morning as soon as I woke up which meant I had an extra half day to get things done. I plowed though the chores and even grabbed supplies which gave me a jump on today. That’s when I got cocky and opened the email.

It’s probably better that I did it last night but it didn’t help my sleep. I also had some weird dreams that were related to some of the stuff from the week. I had a bit of a cathartic blood letting with my parents that was brutal to go through but ultimately good on the other end. Details will not be forthcoming as shit got bumpy but we plowed some field that hadn’t been turned over in more than 40 years. I’m not sure how my mom feels about my therapy but whether she knows it or not its helping her as well.

I also had some weirdness unearthed from different groups of friends that had me spinning just a bit. Nothing I’m comfortable writing about (I just realized how terrible it is to write about things you can’t really fill in the details on. I am one frustrating asshole today.) but I can tell you that my thoughts on all of the people in my life are never set in stone. I am also less than thrilled with my status as America’s guest when I go back to Illinois. Something feels unfair about the whole thing. Not sure what I can do about that but its definitely a thing.

So that was on my brain and yesterday as I drove home I had a lot of time to think. I even made a couple of phone calls to clean up some head trash but they were all unsatisfying. I came to the conclusion that by removing work for a week I kind of exposed how lonely I am without someone to share things with on a daily basis. (okay, that sentence as well as this thought bubble might not make it to press. That was more share than I am comfortable with and every part of me wants to backspace it away. Sack-up buttercup)

The other thing I did this week was really try to be present when my presence is required. Meaning, NOT being on my phone looking at nonsense when another human is communicating with me. I even left my phone in my car on a couple of occasions throughout the week. The unfortunate byproduct is I didn’t get a picture I want to share in this post. I love my kids not because I am supposed to as their sire but because they are adults that I enjoy.

This thing has been all over the road and I do have a story that I’ll write up later this week. You have had to endure these ramblings and deserve better even though I would love to read this same nonsense from any one or all of you. If you think you can’t do it this pile of detritus should prove you wrong. WAIT. I did get one picture as I headed out the door of John and his buddy making sausage. I took this shot as they were assembling the production line and the asspain involved made me take the shot.

I can resist the urge to get to work no more. Enjoy your day!