all up in my feels

might want to skip this one. you've been warned

I am in an odd place tonight as my normal rhythm is off as I am staying in Houston for the weekend. All of the businesses we own have holiday parties and I’ve challenged myself to attend at least one every year. This weekend happens to be the celebration that worked best for my schedule and it’s tomorrow so here I sit in a hotel room on a Friday night alone. This has me thinking how nice it might be to have someone who could have flown in and accompanied me to this party while hanging out exploring a new city…

Nope, I had that and I seem to have screwed that up. Err, not exactly. I had a couple of women that felt safe to talk to and were kind of fun to hang out with until they wanted more… More by the way than I clearly stated before anything got going. I’ve previously written about my harshly true former dating site profiles where I clearly set out what I’m looking for in a relationship. Parameters for which I have been called an asshole by some once they figure out I wasn’t kidding and at least two others have hit me with “I thought I could change your mind.”

The major problem with my love life is me. I’ve done a lot of therapy and it has helped me in all facets of my life. Talking about uncomfortable things actually helped me realize that I needed to change jobs and it also led me to discover that I needed to move closer to the people that I love. It has helped me deal with some difficult family relationships and improve my reactions to certain people and situations. But the one place we (me and whatever mental health professional I happen to be working with at the moment) can’t seem to figure out is my love life.

The current prevailing theory is that I am afraid of being hurt so I keep everyone who shows any interest at a distance. Fair point. But knowing that does me little good. I also feel an unexplainable sense of obligation to my family and even my ex. I have some struggles with vows made more than 35 years ago as well as some other troubles traveling through the knot in my skull and am mostly convinced that the “love” portion of my life is over. I had a good long run which is more than most get so I’m grateful.

*** I should have mentioned this earlier but if you know me in real life I will not tolerate any mention of this post. It’s hard enough to write and I don’t need anyone to see me experience full body discomfort followed by either running away or lashing out. Just pretend that you are reading some really boring feelings related nonsense about a stranger please and thank you.

I recently cut off all relationships. There were only two and from my point of view they were casual and everyone knew about everyone else. I am too old for secrets or games and too broken to put up with much nonsense. Ive got a big birthday coming up quick and both of these women wanted to go on a trip with me to celebrate one even offering to pay for the entire adventure. I have never had someone offer to take me anywhere so that one kind of threw me for a loop until I found out that the offer came with strings. I was on the verge of accepting because it sounded fun but I wanted to split the cost to avoid what showed up anyway.

Talks of the destination came to a head just before Thanksgiving and then I was dictated holiday plans that had us both meeting each others families. No and nope. When I more tactfully said that, I was told that her family wouldn’t let her go away with someone they had never met… again, I am too old for this shit and thus ended that association. While I was at it I just cut ties with the other one as the holidays were making her Cuckoo come out of the clock as well.

Both of those women deserve partners who are looking for the same things that they are. That’s just not me or maybe that’s just not me right now or that’s just not me with either of them. I have no idea because as previously mentioned and to quote one of my favorite movies “My heads all tied up like a pretzel. I got a pretzel in my head.”

I will try the dating thing again in the future but I just need to get real with myself. My requirements are unreasonable: Someone to hang out with on the weekends but not always the ENTIRE weekend or EVERY weekend for that matter. I do so like me some me time. I also have a weird thing about required daily communication. I think I’m trying to avoid a perceived pain in my ass before I know if it is one or not… fucking therapy…

Anyhow, this post isn’t just about the extended work trip as I am alone in hotels all the time. I had a bit of a cancer scare as I kind of glossed over in an earlier post. The dermatologist was convinced that the thing they dug out of my clavicle was trouble so I have been coming to terms with that potential pisser for a week. Then today she called and told me not to worry something about a misbehaving blood vessel, not the big C. It would be nice to have someone to call and share that good news with. So, lucky you, I’m writing about it here in lieu (not sure I used that right and I’m too cranky to check right now and if I start to edit this thing I’m going to chicken out and delete the entire mess.)

If you are my family or a close friend do not get upset by any of this. I would have told you if it were trouble after the holidays so calm down. AND I know I can always call any of you if something is on my mind but that’s not really me. Holy hell I’m getting a twist in my gut about hitting publish so I should probably just abruptly end it here before my nerve runs out. Apologies if you were looking for something funny and read all the way down to this point. If I do end up keeping this I’ll probably post something else quick to bury this turd.