A little deeper into the therapy reveals

Boring mental health nonsense. Feel free to delete this one with the full knowledge there is nothing funny to see here...

I had some real life folks reach out about the therapy revelations from a couple posts back and they were concerned. This is sweet but a clear violation of NOT talking to Stupidtom about stupidtom… anyway, one has a question most likely there are more. I’ll be honest it makes me cringe just thinking about rereading this nonsense but obviously I wrote some confusing shit so I should take a stab a clearing things up or at least shedding more light. here goes something…

The “not my story to tell” part had to do with my dating life and once things get intimate I no longer want anything to do with that person. Nothing any of these lovely women did other than allow me to enjoy some meaningful personal time only to have me run away. (I’ve tried to be a good person where this is concerned but admittedly have failed miserably on multiple occasions. I would have to be real drunk to tell any of those stories.) The old head shrinker rightfully thinks that this is me protecting myself from being hurt again and when I heard that it made me want to shut off my iPad and fake some kind of technical difficulties. The truth hurts a little more when you don’t see it coming and it catches you right between the eyes.

So then we talked about the theme of running away and how that shows up in my life which really got bumpy. I’ve done a lot of self reflective work over the last five years or so and this was the first time a larger pattern had been discussed. It turns out I’ve been ruled by fear. But probably not the way you are thinking because I certainly had no idea and I’m the one trapped in this particular skull.

When my marriage was nearing its end I was overcome with a fear of being alone. There’s a lot to unpack in that sentence and it took quite a while to get to that realization and I’m uncomfortable as hell writing it down, but in for a penny… So instead of finding a way to surround myself with people who cared, I chose to force myself into seclusion.

I had all of these internal justifications about not wanting to make things weird for our mutual friends and some bullshit about allowing the kids time to form a better relationship with their mother outside of our couple dynamic. All horseshit to make myself feel better about taking off.

I moved six hours away and threw myself into work. I walked away from almost everything monetary accumulated during our marriage so I needed to advance my career to hopefully make up some lost ground. I was still working for a company I loved, with people I loved, In an industry I loved, so it was a logical move. I spent that first year trying to get good with my own company. Two years later I had taken that to an unhealthy level but the whole time my stubborn self was trying to prove that I could be a hermit if necessary.

I am a stubborn ass so it’s no surprise that I was going to prove myself wrong about not wanting to be alone. (and I do realize how broken that is…) My inner voice said it was afraid to be alone and the asshole bully that controls my actions told it to shut the fuck up and learn to love it. Turns out that particular dick has been driving for quite a while now so the current work is around putting a muzzle on that idiot. We all have an evil voice in our brains but I need to work on controlling the volume.

I am pretty sure that didn’t clear anything up but I’ll post it anyway so all this time didn’t go to waste. I do have fear of hitting publish on some of these and this is one. I can’t even bring myself to reread it to think up a title. I’m going to post a random picture as a distraction.